Reactions to the Nasiha Post

June 7, 2009 at 8:57 am (Love & The Masjid, Muslimaz, Women)

I got so caught up with class and work that I hadn’t responded to the entry on “Naseeha for Single Women.”  I have to be honest; I didn’t think that entry would get a lot of attention.  I thought most people would look it over.  But I guess it proves that the subject of women and marriage will always illicit strong reactions. 

Everyone, male or female, can take or leave what they want from the advice. 

I had no idea it would make people upset.  There seems to be this idea that single women aren’t supposed to be happy or that we are all career-driven harpies.  For the majority of women, Muslim and non-Muslim, that’s just not the case.  There’s also this idea, and I hate to say it, that single Muslim women are a threat (in some circles).  This is very unfortunate and women oughta give their husbands more credit than that.  Even though polygamy is halal, monogamy is still the choice of the majority of Muslim men.  But our presence in some circles seems to earn two responses—pity or loathing (with a tiny mixture of jealousy).  Why the pity, though?  Do they imagine that all of us are sitting around crying in our non-alcoholic beer?  Why the loathing, suspicion and distrust?  Can we just be honest and say that yeah, marriage is awesome, but being single isn’t all that bad either?  Can’t we enjoy the best of both worlds and take advantage of the blessings that God has offered us? 

What exactly are single women supposed to do, sulk all day?  Feel sorry for ourselves?  Should we be angry at God for His decree or blame ourselves for being single?  I notice that most people would never say the same about single Muslim men.  I believe that being married and having kids can bring unbelievable amounts of happiness and fulfillment.  But I don’t think that’s the only way to be happy.  Since I’ve moved to Dubai I’ve experienced happiness and contentment.  It had been so long since I experienced these feelings that I barely recognized them.  I couldn’t put my finger on it but suddenly I was okay and my heart was light.  Even when I was facing the stress of adjusting to a new country, I was still happy.  I’m sure it had to do with a lot of things like having a network of good hearted friends and suddenly finding myself with “three older brothers” who’ve made it their duty to look out for me.  Plus, I have to admit, money can’t buy happiness but it feels good to have a job.  Really good.  It’s feels good to pay my bills and to pay off debts.  It feels downright AWESOME to not ask my parents for money.  And it rocks to be able to help your family out.  Few things are more euphoric than paying off a credit card you unwisely used during your desperate freshman year in college.  No, it’s not the ultimate pleasure but it still feels good. 

The funny thing about all this is that nowhere in her advice did she mention anything about a career.  I’m not sure how that happened.  Once again, women are being cast into stereotypical roles.  Either one is a happy devoted mother or a bitter career-chasing spinster.  Life is more nuanced than that.  For every woman, happiness and contentment are defined differently. So one woman may be happy and fulfilled as a “full-time mother” while another may be happy in the job of her dreams.  And some sisters, masha’Allah, are doing both (mainly because they have awesome supportive husbands).  One doesn’t have to necessarily negate the other.  How many women do we know who are unhappy with their lives even though they are married with tons of children?  How many women do we know who are childless and single and sinking into depression?

And I had to laugh at the car metaphor.  Okay, fine, I’m a shiny red Mercedes so I should demand to be with car of my caliber, right?  Right?!  LOL.  Pleeeeez.  I’ll just say this. It’s kinda unfair for a man to demand a new car after years of driving used ones.   A little hypocritical, I think.  Aren’t we more than just our “mileage”?  LOL.  After all, if women applied those same standards to men, only a handful of people would get married.  (You know those ayahs about fornication apply to BOTH genders.  :::cough::)

I’ll leave it at that.  Learn what you can, worship while you can and take advantage of the time you have.  Why not learn what you can while you have the time?  I’m happy that my recitation is getting better and it helps to enhance the prayer.  And, as a side note, the teacher who gave me this advice is married and very, very conservative.  And this isn’t the first time married women have given me this advice.  In fact, a lot of married sisters have given me the same advice so this isn’t coming from single women. This is from women who are already fulfilling half their deen—and as a single sister, I feel like I have to take heed.  I’ve heard it too many times to ignore it so something must be there. 

Anyhoo, I’m off to study for my exam. 

Salaams and beef bacon, y’all.

13 Comments

Nasiha for Single Women

May 31, 2009 at 8:40 am (Deen On, Izzy Mo in Dubai, Muslimaz)

Before I get into my rant mode, I had to post this priceless advice from my Qur’an teacher. 
*******
Asalaamu alaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatu my sisters,
 
I just wanted to share with you a discussion that I had with my tajweed teacher.  After class, we got on the subject of singlehood and marriage life.  I think advice applies not only to sisters who have never been married but to divorced women, widows and single sisters with kids.  This is kinda long so read when you have time.
 
Many duas, hugs and love,
 
Kelly Izdihar
 
************
 
She said the following to me:  “Even though I know you want to get married, at this particular time in your life, you are very blessed.  You are more blessed than you realize.  You are so blessed because you have time.  You have time to yourself to pursue your interests.  You can learn Qur’an and take time to take care of yourself. 
 
When you get married and have kids, this ends because every one wants a piece of you.  By the time you finish giving to your husband and your kids, you have little to nothing left for yourself.  So please take this time to learn about your religion, to study and to be “selfish.”  By “selfish” I mean you that should be concerned with performing acts and doing things to invest in the afterlife.  You can be totally focused on yourself and preparing for the world to come. 
 
Know that some people are jealous of you for many reasons.  One of them is that sometimes single women are seen as a threat.  They think “Oh, no, she’s single and she’s pretty. Insha’Allah, she won’t steal my husband.”  So they try to marry you off  because they think it minimizes the threat.  Of course, this is nonsense but that’s how some people think.  Another reason is that they may be in unhappy marriages so they are jealous of your freedom. I know of some couples that I thought had rock-solid marriages and they are ending up in divorce or the husband takes a second wife. 
 
Can you imagine?  You give your husband 20 years of your life and he leaves you for a younger woman or takes another wife?  And you don’t have anything to show for it if you didn’t use your time as a single woman wisely.  You didn’t learn your religion, the Qur’an, anything–so all that time has been wasted.  It’s like people who move to Dubai for 10 to 15 years and they want to save their money to build a house in their home country.  Some are wise, save their money and they end up with a beautiful home.  Others are not so wise, and not only did they waste their money, they ended up in debt.  This is the same approach we should have to the akhira and dunya. 
 
When you have a husband and kids, you have less time to focus on your acts of worship, your reading of Qur’an, your learning of Arabic, etc. You’re so tired and you rarely have a moment to focus on yourself. 
 
Of course, jealous people will try to make you feel bad like you have done something wrong by not being married.  They say, “Just get married!”  But you want a good man who is strong in the religion–someone who you think you can share your life with.  Why just marry anybody and then you get divorced, then remarried, then divorced, then married again?  God does not make mistakes.  There is a reason why you are single.  It is not something bad that you did.  On the contrary, God knows what’s best for you.  And tell these people that you can’t fight the qadr of Allah.  Whether you meet your husband in the dunya or akhira, you can’t force God’s will. 
 
This will make them shut-up :-)   LOL. 
 
Plus, you should pamper yourself.  If you are stressed, take a nap.  Wear nice clothes so you can feel pretty and good about yourself (she means away from the gaze of men, of course).  You should spend time studying the religion but it’s so okay to do something nice for yourself.  Don’t waste your time being miserable.  MAXIMIZE this time.  It’s so precious and the dunya is quickly slipping away from our fingers. 
 
So increase your acts of worship so that you have something waiting for you in the next life.  Don’t worry because God will send someone to you when you are ready or…your deeds can earn you a wonderful husband in Jennah.  Either way, God will provide. 
 
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Let’s enjoy this time sisters and use to it to give to Allah.  Let’s not the haters bring us down.  There’s disadvantages and advantages to being single and married, to being childless and having children.  But in whatever state we are in, let’s give thanks to Allah for making us Muslims and may he strengthen our iman.  Insha’Allah, we will all see each other in Paradise.  Ameen. 
 

20 Comments

The Purpose of Writing

March 9, 2009 at 10:19 am (Bloggin', Blogging Sistaz, Muslim Media, Muslimaz, Women)

Asalaamu alaikum,

Okay, another random rambling coming up!

For the past year or so, I’ve been thinking about the purpose of writing.  More specifically, I’ve been thinking about my purpose for writing.  Writing, you could say, is my second love.  I discovered my love for writing long after my love for visual art.  I’ve had this blog for five years; almost the same amount of time that I’ve been a Muslim.  It was really helpful during those days, especially when I discovered an entire universe of knowledgeable blogging Muslims.  In turn, I met writers and other creative folk and that led to art shows and published articles. 

I’m a staunch believer in the need for a viable Muslim owned media in America.  Even though…do we really want to get into the issues that plague our fledgling publications?  Not meeting deadlines.  Not paying writers.  Not coming out with new editions for weeks or months on end.  I’ll stop here because that’s another entry.  The first decade of the 21st century may be known in Muslim American circles as the birth and death of many a Muslim magazine or newspaper.  Despite this, we must write.  Not merely to address the accusations of our detractors, but to create a new literary culture.   

That’s where I come in.  I lack focus. There’s a novel that’s been in my mind since I was 15, y’all.  I wrote two drafts for it about five years ago (funny how that coincides with my conversion).  It takes so much time, energy and focus to write–especially fiction.  I guess that’s why I love writing articles for magazines.  I’m able to focus when I’m given a deadline and topic.  The editing is not up to me.  Shoot, my graduate thesis report and HR manual were easier to write than this thing that’s been in my head for over a decade!  It’s not like I have to bear my soul when I’m writing about office procedures or non-profit business schemes for arts organizations! 

I’m trying to figure out how to handle this and part of me is wondering if I should go on a blogging hiatus.  Only a few readers are left and let’s face it, Sunni Sister took a large chunk of  the breath out of our online community.  I know she probably wouldn’t want me to say that but she’s talented so she’s gonna have to suffer from my compliments in wretched silence.  :-)   I don’t know if I would give up blogging completely.  My blogging time has been cut short and I don’t have those days of sitting in front of computer waiting for my work shift to end.  My current job actually has duties!  LOL. 

I feel like I should be doing something with this talent, if you can call it that.  My writing doesn’t put people to sleep so I guess that means I have something.  I just don’t know what I should do..yet.  I really bothers me that people can spin garbage into bestsellers because they’re yanking at peoples’ prejudices and hatred.  But when something is written that is true and profound, it sits on a bookshelf collecting dust (if it was fortunate enough to be published).  But I can’t blame the Coulters, O’Reilly, Sassons and Becks of the world.  It’s my fault.  I’m praying for some direction.  Maybe this is a sign that, as a writer, I’m exactly where I should be.  Maybe that moment of clarity will come later, at the right time.

For now, I’m doing some serious contemplation. 

Don’t be surprised if I write an entry that says I’m going on a break to clear my head.

14 Comments

Dubai Guardian Angels

November 19, 2008 at 11:19 am (Emirati Culture, Izzy Mo in Dubai, Muslimaz)

Hey, here’s some pistol-packing Mommas.  Here are the ladies of the Dubai Police Force. 

http://www.xpress4me.com/news/uae/dubai/20010496.html

Sgt Fatima Saeed Al Mamari, one of the members of Dubai’s six-women team, said: “We are in the first line of defence if there’s an incident that may affect a VIP.”

Like her colleagues, she graduated from the Dubai Police Academy and underwent special military training, including counter-terrorist measures.

But, before that, her first ‘small battle’ was waged with her family.

“There was objection and criticism from my family in the beginning when I joined the police force at the age of 21.”

Four years on, nothing much has changed and the challenge still remains, she said.

“Being a female cop may be a strange sight in our society. But I sort of broke out of the mould when I decided to join the force. When I go to a bank for a transaction and show them my driving licence, I can see the shock on their faces when they realise that it’s a motorcycle licence.”

1 Comments

Let’s Help Umm Zuzu get a scholarship!!!

August 3, 2008 at 1:38 pm (Muslimaz)

Asalaamu alaikum!

You guys know Umm Zakiyya, bka Old School Muslima, Umm Zuzu and most recently, Umm Taj.

She’s trying to get a scholarship and this is how you can help with directions from the Old School Muslima herself.

You can help me win a scholarship just by watching this
video. The entry that secures the most views will win a $5,000
scholarship. All you have to do is view the video, available at this
link.  If you want to help even more, you can forward this video to
everyone you know. Every view helps. If you have a blog, facebook,
myspace page or website, I would certainly appreciate a link.
 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SO5oP8YlxR8

4 Comments

Scrapbookers Needed!!!!

April 3, 2008 at 8:05 pm (Arts, Muslimaz)

Are there any scrapbookers out there?!
If so, Azizah Magazine is doing a feature of scrap-booking and they need some nice pictures from your scrapbooks.  Please email me at kelly (@) azizahmagazine. com. 

3 Comments

Funky Lyrics for Muslimaz

March 28, 2008 at 5:26 am (Muslimaz, Oppress This!)

My dad came for a visit to Georgia and he was listening to the new Chaka Khan CD.

You gotta love the lyrics for this song.  She and Mary J. Blige are puttin’ some poor guy in check!  With some reworking, this could be a new funky Muslima anthem. I may rework this later.  LOL!  

I decidate this song to the esteemed writers of The Muslim Woman.  @@ 

Disrespectful sung by Chaka Khan and Mary J. Blige.

Boy, what is wrong
With you
I don’t have
Time for this
You can’t
Make me
Lose my mind
I’m too strong
For ya!!!

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The Rebuttal

March 28, 2008 at 4:42 am (Muslimaz, Oppress This!, Rant Box, Why They Hate Us-The Muslim Edition)

Ifeminists has published my article on their website. 

Muslim Women:  An Insider’s View by Kelly Izdihar Crosby

Yeah, I’m quoting myself.  :-)   Oh, this evil ego..

Morgan, Darwish and Sultan are entitled to their opinions. But casting them as the two lone bastions of light in the supposed darkness of the Muslim world is an insult to the women who are actively working within the Muslim community to bring about positive change and lasting progress.
 

9 Comments

Setting them straight, if they permit me :-)

March 25, 2008 at 8:18 pm (Muslimaz, Rant Box)

I wanted to write a response to this.  Let’s see if they let me.  If you don’t feel like getting angry, don’t read the link.  Here’s my letter to the editor for a request to respond to this tripe.  But let’s see if the sisterhood of feminists let me. 

Hello,
My name is Kelly Izdihar Crosby, a writer and editorial assistant for Azizah Magazine.  I would like to submit a response or rebuttal to Nancy Morgan’s article on Two Muslim Feminists.  Unforunately, there are some errors and the use of typical negative stereotypes running frequently throughout her article (which is the sad reality of reporting on Muslim women in the mainstream American media). 
I am a Muslim American woman and Azizah Magazine is a publication created and produced by Muslim American women. 
Please check out our website and other publications like Muslim Girl Magazine and Islamica. I think Nancy Morgan would be pleasantly surprised to see her assertions about the lives of Muslim women challenged and corrected.  I’m an writing this request to Wendy McElroy in particular, because I had read one of her articles on Muslim women.  (Laying Down the White Woman’s Burden) It was fair, accurate and non condescending. 
Please email me back when you can. 

12 Comments

Another Muslima Homecoming Queen

March 17, 2008 at 2:46 am (Muslimaz)

Wow, we live in strange times. 

Another Muslim was elected to Congress.  Anisah Rasheed was queen in 2006 for North Carolina A & T.  There was Nuha Elkugia of East Lake High School. 

Now there’s Khalida Chudnoff.  Rock on, my beautiful sisters, rock on!

3 Comments

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