For Muslim women who are in polygynous marriages in America
or who are in monogamous marriages without state licenses, I can only say this…
Keep in mind that your marriage is not recognized by the state.
Keep in mind that your marriage is not recognized by the state.
KEEP IN MIND THAT YOUR MARRIAGE IS NOT RECOGNIZED BY THE STATE. (Thanks for the advice, Tariq 
)
So if your husband leaves you out in the cold, there is very little that you can do to seek justice. This is America, not Agadez, Niger.
(If you want to see a positive portrayal of Islamic law in action, watch Justice in Agadez.)
There’s no qadi, imam or shaykh that can help you. And while you will receive justice from God Most High, no American court can help you in the dunya. Insha’Allah, you’ll get child support…eventually. But we all know how some women have to wait years until their child support kicks in.
Unlike the Muslim world, convert Muslims don’t have long standing family ties or neighborhood reputations in order to help us seek out proper mates. (Thanks for pointing this out, Dynamite Soul) In many parts of the Muslim world, if a spouse treats their partner badly, everybody knows about it. Remember, most of the Muslim world is comprised of extended families, not nuclear families where people are cut off from each other.
Be picky and be careful. Ask questions. Don’t be shy in these matters. Marriage is sharing your spirituality, income, body, and bed with another person. It’s the second most intimate relationship a human being will ever experience. It deserves consulation, investigation, taqwa, istikhara and sabr.
DON’T RUSH! Your marriage will either be for you or against you on the Day of Judgment.
If you are not careful….
it could be you asking for sadaqa because your husband left you with five kids,
it could be you crying because you didn’t know s/he was legally married to someone else,
it could be you with the disease (don’t think it doesn’t happen),
it could be you left to pay the rent and utilites all by yourself,
it could be you who gets scammed by some devious family and their daughter who is willing to pimp herself out for a visa (yes, it almost happened to a brother here in this community).
And you can blame Muslim men until the cows come home. After all, smacking down on the brothers is our favorite past time! Oh, don’t we just looooooove crackin’ on them triflin’ Mozzie men. You can blame the umma. You can blame your wali. You can even blame those who warned you to take your time.
But we are all adults who are capable of making our own decisions. So let’s be as wise as we can when it comes to choosing a mate. If I live to see 50, I would want to know 10 Muslim couples from within my generation who have been married for at least 20 years.
working said,
February 3, 2008 at 2:23 am
I can’t imagine being married without it being recognized by the state. There are so many things that are dependent on your status as husband and wife. Healthcare and social security benefits, healthcare decision-making, etc. My husband and I never discussed it because NOT getting a marriage license etc wasn’t an option. But, if he had wanted to dispense with that, it would have been a HUGE red flag for me.
izzymo said,
February 3, 2008 at 2:41 am
Oh, sister, you would not believe the number of sisters who forego this highly recommended procedure. It’s very scary. Scholars have been recommending it for the longest but who listens to scholars these days? If anything, I would think getting a state license proves that you are serious. If you are willing to marry before the Creator of all the worlds, certainly it shouldn’t be a problem to profess it before a judge and pay $26.00. In Georgia, you get free marital classes, too. http://marriage.about.com/cs/marriagelicenses/p/georgia.htm
JDsg said,
February 3, 2008 at 2:59 am
Milady and I are 25% of the way there.
Ginny said,
February 3, 2008 at 4:30 am
Assalamu alaikum, well, my husband and I went the legal way, Alhamdulillah, and he didn’t want to do it differently. Which is one reason that I’d not be in a polygamous marriage here in the US, because even if none of the wives were married legally, well, it just causes too many problems. And if one wife was legally married and th eother wasn’t, well, someone wouldn’t be getting their rights, and if I was the legally married spouse, I’d not want to have to answer to Allah for actively denying the other wife her rights.
I’m not saying that not being legally married doesn’t work, but I think in order for it to work, you’d have to be dealing with someone of very good character, and well, that doesn’t happen many times.
BTW, my husband and I waited about a year before we got married, from the time that we met. So no rushing here, and any questions I had were OK to ask, and pretty much I could ask anything I needed to in order for me to feel comfortable and vice versa. And so far it’s worked out well, Alhamdulillah. But then again, I didn’t settle and I was prepared to walk away if things didn’t work out. Because being alone isn’t so bad, sure beats being abused, neglected, and all that.
alajnabiya said,
February 3, 2008 at 6:17 am
I don’t know if I count as part of your generation, but I will have been married legally 24 years on Wednesday. We were married Islamicly 4 months before the legal marriage. I think your advice is excellent. There is an old saying, “Marry in haste, repent at leisure.”
Aaminah said,
February 3, 2008 at 6:21 pm
Asalaamu alaikum.
Just for the record, getting married “legally” costs alot more than $26 most places in the U.S. Here in Michigan, it costs $25 for the license, then $50+ for a mandatory class on STDs (and yes, you have to repeat the class for every marriage, and the rate goes up every 3-5 years), plus whatever fee you pay to a judge, imam, or other for conducting the marriage (and yes, alot of imams charge for the service here, and why shouldn’t they? You are asking them to make time, open up the masjid etc. Some masjids also charge a small fee if you wish to have your contract and walima done in the mosque because it costs them in electricity, cleaning, etc.).
There are also very legitimate reasons that some Muslims may not be legally married, such as converts who wish to marry halal but are still in a legal union with a non-Muslim they are no longer with. Divorce, afterall, takes time and money and it is not always such a simple solution. But it should of course be a goal, even if not possible at the immediate time.
Personally, I think that in the issue of polygynous marriages, it isn’t right for the man to be legal with one with at all because that is, as Ginny mentions, automatically creating a lack of equality for the wives.
I have to say, both before and since Islam, out of my four marriages total, only one had legal status. And it was the most difficult one to extricate myself from, the most abusive one, it messed up my credit and was the most problemmatic all around. So personally, I don’t care alot whether I am legal or not as long as I am fully aware of what is going on and make the decision for myself.
All that said, I totally agree with the sentiments expressed here that going the legal route has many advantages, and a man who isn’t willing to go the legal route usually has something to hide and this should be a warning to most sisters.
Ginny said,
February 4, 2008 at 12:02 am
Assalamu alaikum, Aaminah, you know, I’m not completely against the “legal” route, however, if one is only going to get married Islamically, then one needs to make sure they know what they’re getting into, that’s all I wanted to say, perhaps I wasn’t clear on that. There are many “legal” marriages that are rough, and there are many “non-legal”/Islamic-only marriages that do, in fact, work.
I think things need to be taken on a case-by-case basis, and the main reason why I’d advocate for a “legal” marriage, is merely for the protection for the woman, should she need to get later on, if sh’es not married legally, I’m not sure what recourse she’d have, I mean, how would one dissolve a purely Islamic marriage if the Muslim community, as far as I know, doesn’t have the institutions set up to deal with that? Perhaps, going the Islamic-only route would be good if you happened to live somewhere where you could get the marriage dissolved, however, if you don’t have such an institution in place, then if the man leaves you, or is abusive, I’d think that would leave you in some sort of marriage limbo.
However, well, we just need to be empowered, to know our rights, and whatever avenue we chose to pursue to not settle, as Izzy Mo says. Incidentally, I was married “Islamically” and then later got married legally by the clerk of courts, as the imam at the local masjid was not licensed to actually sign the marriage certificate, he was just the prayer leader of the community, so I kind of have two anniversaries lol, my “Islamic” wedding anniversary, and the “legal” one.
Perhaps because of my life experiences, I’d rather go the “legal” route, however, I’m not totally against people just being married Islamically, whatever works for you.
Anyway, hope that makes better sense.
imran said,
February 5, 2008 at 3:55 am
If you can afford more then one then ,go ached. But I don’t want to pay for it thro tax. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml;jsessionid=3OK3CQ5KWWVS1QFIQMGCFGGAVCBQUIV0?xml=/news/2008/02/03/nbenefit103.xml#form
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=512043&in_page_id=1770&ct=5
I came across a post recently that discussed salafi’s in UK and USA that they have more then one wife all live on state hand outs. As they make these women to go benefit office, the staff in the office referred to these sisters “Holy Worse”
Another point that I have picked up is that many people believe that they are doing these sisters a favour as there are more female then male. What rubbish. https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-world-factbook/geos/xx.html
https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-world-factbook/geos/uk.html
http://www.statistics.gov.uk/
You will find that in only one group do women out number man and that is 65 years and over.
If you ask most parents they will tell you that it is not easy bringing up children in this day and age. How do you expect sisters to manage bring up children with part time husband??
I know few guys who have one wife in Birmingham one in London and one in Cardiff. While they enjoy having option right now (I know this thro their immature statements like “akh” when one has on period you they option to go to other wife “akh”). Yet they have no plan for future when their children will grew up (may be in different cites) with need for the father to be there all the time. Not part time father.
working said,
February 5, 2008 at 6:48 am
Aminah, the fees you’re talking about in Michigan aren’t that much. I mean, if one can’t afford $200 to have even a basic wedding with court fees, imam fees and the masjid fees, can one support a spouse? As for waiting for a divorce to be over, I think that is a good practice. I don’t personally think the situation you described is a legitimate reason not to have a legal marriage. It’s like telling our sisters it’s okay to be second-class citizens and it most certainly is not.
UmmZaid said,
February 5, 2008 at 8:49 am
Salaam ‘Alaikum
//As for waiting for a divorce to be over, I think that is a good practice. I don’t personally think the situation you described is a legitimate reason not to have a legal marriage. It’s like telling our sisters it’s okay to be second-class citizens and it most certainly is not.//
As amazing as it may seem, men are also adversely affected in some states that make it difficult to divorce. I personally think that if both partners are adults, and they both know what they’re getting into (and what they may be giving up, even if temporarily), then someone who is waiting for a legal divorce shouldn’t be looked down upon for having an Islamic “only” marriage.
I’m also a little concerned that you seem to be brushing off Aaminah’s points about it being extremely difficult to extricate herself from an abusive marriage –esp. after you slap her on the hand about “second class citizens.”
UmmZaid said,
February 5, 2008 at 8:49 am
Salaam: Above should say “abusive legal marriage.”
Aaminah said,
February 5, 2008 at 11:31 am
Asalaamu alaikum Working.
Well, I disagree with you. I would never suggest that sisters be treated like second-class citizens. But doesn’t it occur to you that it may be the sister who is in a legal marriage that she is trying to extricate herself from? That it is time consuming, expensive and difficult to do so? In some cases, it is nearly impossible to get the divorce even if the husband isn’t cooperative (I know because I had one like that too). I’m not saying legally married men should just go out and find a Muslim wife and not bother to get their legal divorce or try to marry the Muslim wife properly. I’m saying that there are situations that are too numerous to go into in a comment on a blog where a woman can feel that she would rather be married only Islamically while dealing with a previous non-Muslim divorce. And who are you to tell her she is wrong to do so? Contrary to seemingly popular belief, we don’t all have the answers for every situation or always know the full story. Sisters should be warned, educated, and supported to get their rights maintained. But they should also be allowed to make the decision that is best for their individual circumstances.
And personally, I think it is about priorities and I don’t prioritize spending $200 for a wedding and sitting through the stupid STD class as being necessary for my marriage. That doesn’t mean the man can’t support me, it means I’d rather he spend the $200 on other things. That is a personal decision. In any case, I wasn’t arguing that it means they shouldn’t do it, but only pointing out that the cost does vary widely so just saying “spend the $26″ isn’t always that simple. I believe with all my heart that for most women legal marriage is extremely important, and that any man who refuses to marry you legally is 99% of the time up to no good. But I also believe that for some of us it isn’t actually necessary or the best solution and we have the right to decide that for ourselves. I probably have more experience in this area than you or most commentors do, so I think I can make my own decisions. I also never said that I wouldn’t marry legally but only that I don’t feel it is necessary for myself. I could go either way, depending on the circumstances, but I wouldn’t give the time of day to a man who made it clear that he didn’t want to give me my legal rights.
Saha said,
February 5, 2008 at 11:51 am
Interesting. I wonder if American law is slightly different. Here, de facto relationships have a lot of legal rights, and an islamic marriage is considered de facto. i’m not married according to the law of my country and it doesn’t bother me at all. Not even remotely. But our social and health care systems are much better in my view, so I don’t have much to worry about.
working said,
February 5, 2008 at 5:29 pm
Saha, it is different in the US. You need to be legally married to qualify for your partner’s health insurance (which is through the insurer), to qualify for social security and other retirement benefits and to make healthcare decisions in the event your spouse in unable to. Without that legal status, you’re not considered related in the eyes of the law. Some states recognize common-law marriages, but that wouldn’t apply for polygymy and certainly not for employer or federal-related benefits. I think registering our marriage cost $25 and took about fifteen minutes.
Aaminah said,
February 5, 2008 at 5:43 pm
Asalaamu alaikum.
It is also important to note that the states that do recognize “common-law” marriage only do so after you’ve been living together for a minimum amount of time. Michigan (where I live) no longer has common law recognition, but when it did, you had to be able to show that you lived within the same home for 7 years before you could claim that status. So, if you weren’t living together (as sometimes happens due to work, school or family obligations) the whole time then it didn’t count. And even if you did, until you hit the 7 year mark you still didn’t qualify for any of the legal benefits of marriage. Which is a big deal, especially if you have children, or when you have health issues or an injury/accident. The family of your spouse has complete control if your marriage isn’t legally recognized, so you can’t ensure that your spouse is even buried as a Muslim, or that your children get Social Security or anything.
dictatorprincess said,
February 5, 2008 at 9:36 pm
salam alaikoum
i had my nikah much earlier than my legal marriage (almost two years). In France you are technically supposed to marry at the mayor’s office first, but most muslims circumvent that by saying their nikah was their “engagement.” To be fair, had i not needed a work permit, i would have been content not being legally married until I had children, because as Aaminah points out, what happens with who has control if someone gets sick and so on.