Love, Marriage and Judo LessonsHmm, I am suffering from blog withdrawal. Remedy: keep on bloggin’. Yeah, you see the title up there. Those first two words are the kind of subject that I stay away from, at least with my extended family. Alhamdullilah, my mother is not pushing me to get married. And since I converted (on Oct. 3, I’ll be an 8 month old Muslim), she really wants me to take things slow, which I plan to do. I’m sure when you guys converted, you kinda felt happy but almost like you had the rug pulled out from under you. Everything changes, even the way you would normally choose a potential spouse. When I look at the world sometimes I wonder if I should get married in the first place. I know it’s Sunnah and highly recommended. It’s also sunnah for Muslim men to marry Muslim women but that doesn’t seem to be the case at a particular masjid. Studies have proven that married people are happier, healthier and live longer. But the questions from my cousins, aunts, uncles and my sweet great-grandmother are kind of annoying. As soon as I completed my bachelors degree…in fact, it was at my graduation party, the question came up. “So now that you are finished, you can find a nice man and get married, right?”
Right.
It’s that simple, huh? Well during my mother’s college days, that would have the natural course of events. Out of wedlock pregnancy was rare. You went to college, graduated, got a nice job and somewhere along the way, you met Mr. or Mrs. Right. My generation opts to bypass all that regressive stuff. We don’t have dates or nice, romantic evenings. We have hook-ups. You wouldn’t believe what some guys (and girls) or asking for on the first date. Before I converted, my friends I thought I was crazy when I said that dating makes no sense. I am not advocating forced marriages or the marrying of complete strangers but something has to better than this sexualized battle field that they call the “dating scene.” All modesty, shyness, respect and romance is left out of the equation. I don’t care how much they criticize Islamic standards of male/female interaction. I have seen the casualities of this war and I turned in my gun years ago.
I have been presented with some very questionable prospects for marriage. I can look back now and laugh because it’s funny…sorta. All three served time in prison. I don’t like that and I certainly didn’t appreciate a particular sister accusing me of being stuck up. Is she married to a felon? Do I have anything against people who have served time in prison? No. Would I marry a man who served time? It depends on the crime and their reformation but I couldn’t marry those guys for obvious reasons. They lacked a serious devotion to Islam. I don’t see how a Muslim can be a Muslim for 10, 20 or 30 years and not know one word of Arabic. Not one. They didn’t know the Shahada in Arabic when they saw it. And maybe I am cheating because I took a year of Arabic before I converted. The point is that learning Arabic is a fard ‘ayn and I take that very seriously. One of these brothers had been married twice with a kid, been a Muslim for over 20 years and could not read Arabic. Wouldn’t know the al-Fatiha if he saw it and these sisters claim he is on his deen?
Another reason is compatibility. Of course the highest priority is given to his devotion to Islam but that is not the ONLY criterion. Let’s say he is a good Muslim. Loves Allah subhana wa ta’ala, loves Islam and insha’allah, will love you. But he is Shi’a and you are Sunni. Or, you belong to a tariqa and he’s Salafi. He celebrates the Maulid and you think it is a big sinful bid’a. I am not saying that you have to match down to the madhab but if you practice Sufism, it would be nice to be married to someone who is at least sympathetic towards it. If you’re getting your masters and he’s just out of high school, the compatibility rates start to plummet. Being a good Muslim finishes a large part of the equation but not all of it. That was a problem with those brothers. Our perspectives are different and I have been in a position when I have felt received jealous competition from guys who weren’t man enough to be proud of those achievements. They felt like my achievements were taking something away from them. So childish.
Which is why I am pleased with a certain prospect. You see, he is an imam. I can’t believe it either. I just don’t think of myself as the wife of an imam, just like I couldn’t see myself being a minister’s wife when I was a Christian. The brother who is trying to hook us up is really nice. And surprise, he took my feelings into consideration. He didn’t find anyone and said, “Now go get married.” This imam is very nice and gives some awesome khutbas. He also speaks about four different languages. He is Pakistani, American born and raised and educated. He also has a problem. He doesn’t want to marry a Pakistani girl from Pakistan. It would seem that the easy solution to that is just marry a girl like him, ethnically Pakistani, American born and raised. For some reason he doesn’t want that either. He’s knows I am African-American and apparently he likes that. We will see. Will something come of this? I dunno know. I am still young, age-wise and Islamically. Even though it would be great to have a 24-hour answer man for all of my questions. Goodness, would he even have the patience to teach me about Islam? Okay, bad habit, I am jumping the gun. I am just glad that someone cared enough to take my considerations seriously instead of dismissing them as nonsense. The prospects are beginning to look better.
Now the judo lessons…I think all Muslimas, especially the hibaji sisters, should know some self defense techniques. Or at least have a can of mace or a stun gun. Masjids should start offering some classes in self defense. It’s great exercise, increases self esteem and puts a sucker in his/her place. There are some sick people out there and it would nice to hear a story about a Muslima who gave a guy a good thrashing. Weak and oppressed, huh? How weak does my foot look logded between your buttocks! Oh, astagfirullah! Where’d that come from? Hiyeeeee YAH!!!!
