Izzy Mo’s Blog

I know that this is coming a little late but this is something that I wanted to address. The summer is a wonderful time to kick back, relax and enjoy the sunshine but before you leave your house, please make sure you are dressed for success! I compiled this list for my lovely clients at the College Bookstore but if you know anyone who can use these tips, by all means, take them.

Tip 1: Stretch marks are not sexy.
Baby tees and tiny shorts are very popular this time of year but some of us girls can not wear them. You see, the fashion industry has forgotten that some of us are…fat. Meaning, you don’t wear a size six and under. So since 98% percent of the human population is not considered a priority for own fashion mavens, we all have to make due. But if the stretch marks and varicose veins on your thighs look like a map of the Great Rivers of America, you really oughta cover up. We all have them, even skinny people. Wear a skirt or some dress slacks and you will look and feel much better.

Tip 2: Cellulite is not sexy
I know, I know. It was only a hundred years ago that fat women were considered goddesses. Cellulite was a sign of fertility, femininity and health. Once again, our anorexic fashion mavens have made sure that fatness will never be a sign of beauty again. Personally, I disagree. I have known many beautiful plump women and handsome plump men my lifetime. As long as you are healthy, it shouldn’t matter. But if you are four hundred pounds and wearing a tank top and gym shorts that doesn’t begin to give you the support that you need, you should think about changing your wardrobe. Remember, most clothing these days are not designed for multiple sizes. They just make one kind of shape and put more fabric on it to indicate size. It’s not fair but it is a reality. For centuries, women had their clothing designed by talented seamstresses who spent hours creating clothing made just for that particular woman. There was no such thing as the “right size”. She just took your measurements and made you look like a diva. Who’s up for starting a starting a Seamstresses Revolution? But there’s no sense in walking down the street looking like an overcooked piece of sausage.

Tip 3: Put the “munchkins” away.
It is really necessary to show your cleavage with every outfit. And it’s not just a little cleave but a bosom avalanche pouring out of a tank top or shirt that wasn’t designed to cover anything. Oh, and it is a huge contradiction to wear a bling-bling crucifix with a plunging neckline. Christianity espouses modesty as well and having a picture of whom you believe to be a martyred messiah is not cool when you are trying to be lusty. (Note to Beyonce and Lil’ Kim) Now as a Muslim…well, even before I converted, I always thought that seeing a woman’s cleavage was just a little too much info. It’s so obvious, overt and blunt. There’s no feminine touch there, though I know many men don’t complain about it. But, now I am seeing the “munchkins” at work in the museum, on the street, on the magazines (the so-called non porn ones) and everywhere else. Ladies…cleavage is like your grandmother’s pearls…they should only be worn on special occasions. Oh, and stop getting angry and embarrassed when you wear bikini tops, halter tops and tank tops and the munchkins decide to pop out. Well, they ARE being held in by a string and flimsy fabric. What do you expect? Oh, and if your munchkins look like the World Mar of Continents because they are veiny and grazed with stretch marks, then tips one and two apply to you. Especially you chicks who have hair on your chest! Don’t get mad when a tactless person points it out.

Tip 4: Tattoos and Piercings
I have always been conflicted about tattoos. Some a very beautiful like the Maori ones. But I have yet to see a tattooed American with the same kind of artistic merit as the Maori tattoos. What I do see is young girls getting their boyfriends’ names tattooed on their chest, calves and thighs like some branded slave on a plantation. And of course, they don’t think about the day when that relationships ends, as it always does. Or people who get tattoos in obvious places like the side of their neck or on their arms. Hey, you might want a good job one day and you can’t go in there looking like some gutter punk.

Oh, and tongue rings…mighty close to your windpipe…does it sound smart? Earrings in your eyebrow, why? Or five heavy rings in your ear so that your earlobe has been stretched and sliced with hanging slips of flesh leftover. Stop it! It’s gross. Whoever said you looked good lied to you. Oh, and why get a belly ring if you are fat? You can’t see a belly ring under rolls. I must state again, fat is beautiful, to me at least. But don’t believe the hype. The clothing industry only designs outfits for Halle Berry, Cindy Crawford and Rebecca Romjin Stamos. We all just have to make due.

Tip 5: Too much of something can be a bad thing.
Too much mascara so that your eyelashes look like spider legs. Too much blush so you that look like a clown or transvestite. Too many tattoos so that you look like a gutter punk without even trying and then looking dirty when the ink finally starts to fade. Too much skin so that guys think you’re easy when you are not. You much fake hair that it’s not believable. In fact, it’s unbeweavable! Too much jewelry so that you look cheap (ain’t that funny?). Too much perfume so that you “mace” people with it. Lighten up the load.

Tip 6: Enough with the baggy pans
They DON’T look good. It is beyond stupid to buy pants that can not fit you. Besides, a friend of mine told me that men who wear baggy pants in prison are usually pimped out by other men and sold for cigarettes, nudie magazines and weed. It’s lame. It’s tired. Wear some pants that fit you, already!

Tip 7: Ash

Nothing is more demoralizing then seeing ash. I don’t mean crust. I mean “it looks like her feet have been rolling around in flour” kind of ash. Or lips that are so ashy that they are peeling and bleeding. LICK THEM ALREADY! THAT GROSS! Or someone who wears sandals with crackling, snow white ash and a fleshly done set of toes in different colors. If you or your pedicurist took the time to do your toes, why didn’t you throw lotion into the mix? Hey, some people are so crusty that they have to use Vaseline. If so, so be it.

Tip 8: Gold teeth

This may be a purely Southern phenomenon but it is not going away anytime soon. I just don’t understand the mentality of a young man with teeth covered in gold, a $200 pair on shoes on his feet and yet he catches the bus. Or, if your teeth are a little yellow or brown (or in some cases, missing) and opting to get gold teeth rather than white caps or replacement crowns. The world of dentistry has vastly improved since the days of pulling teeth with pliers. Gold teeth are gross and they eventually rot the insides of your teeth. Spend your money on necessary dental work like braces and periodic checkups.

Tip 9: Dirty and smelly is not sexy.This is for the guys. You are very blessed because very few societies on Earth demand that men look better than women. All you have to do is look clean and you’re set. So it pains me to see men in dereliction of this duty. Wash your hair. Wear wrinkle-free clothing. Make sure your clothing has no holes in them. Wash your face so I don’t have to see your nose and eye boogers. Clip nose hair or at least push it up with your finger. If you do all these tasks, trust me, you will look like a stud.

Tip 10: Butt cracks

I don’t know what these people are smoking but the next time I see a butt crack on someone who is not a plumber or carpenter, I am going to drop a penny down their crack and let them walk around with it.

Remember, we, the viewing public, have to look at you. Don’t do it for yourself but for the everyday people you run into. They deserve to see you in a positive light. Do it for the people at your gas station, at the supermarket and yes, even that giggling incognita Muslima at your local college bookstore. Why? Because when you leave, you are the laughing stock of the staff. We’ve got our eyes on you!